BUZZING: The funniest cocaine bear memes
Was there ever a more straight-up dope premise for a movie than a goddamn bear hoovering up a shitload of purest, cartel-grade booger-sugar? Are the memes as funny as you’d expect? Bet your ass they are buddy.
Cocaine Bear, like its spiritual cinematic forebear Snakes On A Plane, is a fricking awesome film. It delivers precisely what the poster, and the trailer, indeed that impressively economical two-word title promises it will.
It feeds an angry motherfucking apex predator a buttload of nose candy, then sets it loose on a luckless band of hikers and other random dull-witted bystanders.
At one point (spoiler, whatever) some literal children do coke! It’s a masterpiece of celluloid to rival Citizen Kane.
COCAINE BEAR MEMES
The backstory, as if you care, is that in 1985 an actual black bear was found dead in the Georgia backwoods. Some kind of vet I guess did some sort of autopsy and discovered (gasp!) that this bear had consumed a ton of blow.
The blow in question, it emerged, came from a stash dumped in the forest by smugglers flying overhead. Very thoughtless of the cartels, jeeze those guys should really clean up their act, eh.
That bear, the IRL one, didn’t eat anybody, so far as the vets could tell anyway.
Unlike the bear in this movie, which literally rips peoples heads off, and rudely disembowels screen icon Ray Liotta. Cocaine Bear, by the way, was Ray Liotta’s last ever movie. Thank god he died doing what he loved.
COCAINE BEAR REVIEWS
Despite the fact the whole movie is obviously one big joke, very possibly conceived during a bender on the ol’ charlie sheen, assorted serious critics have seen fit to evaluate it as a proper film.
Slate accused it of being ‘lowbrow’. The Times of London, His Majesty’s paper of record no less, dubbed it ‘cruddy but addictively watchable’. The Guardian whinged that, astonishingly, in its view, ‘the plot is too tame’.
Well nobody told moviegoers, who blessed the flick with a $23.1 million opening weekend. Talk about long lines.
MEMES FROM COCAINE BEAR
And yes, there were the memes.
Nerd king Elon Musk saw fit to share this doozy, reminiscent of that time he promised to buy Coca Cola and return the brand to its core business of slipping a few grains of cocaine in to keep consumers feeling peppy.
Paddington Bear, fresh from escorting Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II home to British Valhalla or whatever the fuck this was all about, is also a huge fan of the devil’s dandruff.
Somebody spotted a news item about yet another stash of smuggled cocaine that went astray, this time in the ocean, and pitched a sequel.
COCAINE BEAR SEQUEL
Having demonstrated that the exquisitely fun, exquisitely dumb premise of Cocaine Bear can do the near-impossible and lure people back out to their local cinema, it does rather suggest a sequel might be in the works.
Let’s hope director Elizabeth Banks – clearly high on her own supply here – expands the franchise to some altogether more imaginative critter/drug combinations.
Anybody fancy making… LSD Lion? Molly Macaque? Adderall Alligator?
COCAINE BEAR MORAL
Banks, adorably, claims she made the movie not for the quasi-pornographic thrill of watching a 500lb killing machine go hog wild after a pile of nosebag.
She was thinking, apparently, about that poor IRL bear who perished while high as a fucking kite in the Georgia backwoods.
‘I had so much sympathy for this poor animal that was collateral damage of this ridiculous drug run,’ Banks told actual real-life film critic Mark Kermode.
‘And I remember thinking that this film would be a way to avenge that bear’s death!’
Did she succeed? Do bears (sniff good) shit in the woods?
Ever wondered if you could GET RICH MAKING MEMES?
Are CLASSROOM MEMES actually good for teaching?
Also, while we’re here, IS STEALING MEMES ILLEGAL?